


Fueled by Fear

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [23]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Basically I'm Kelly stan no.1, Flashbacks, High School, M/M, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Recovery, mental health, mild fluff I guess, undiagnosed OCD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 07:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11308164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will Lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will LoseThe much requested follow up to An Attack On The Heart shows Josh settling into his new home and their new ways, and Tyler trying to wrap his head around what's happened to his head.





	Fueled by Fear

"If you could go anywhere, if you could just drop everything and hit the gas, where would you go?"  
"Anywhere?"  
"Anywhere."  
"Hmmm," Tyler contemplated, looking across at his boyfriend in the driving seat of his Camaro, then back at the windshield and out at the view of the city below them. The ant-sized car were shrunk by the heights of the hill they were parked on top of.

"Would you be there too?"  
"Course babe." Josh nodded, reaching across and stoking his thigh.  
"Well it doesn't really matter then, does it? As long as we're together, side by side." Tyler smiled to himself, and felt Josh smile too before letting out a small laugh. "What? Too cheesy?"  
"Drowning in Brie over here."  
"Alright well where would you go then Mr?"  
"Wilmington."  
"Wilmington, LA?" He asked and Josh nodded. "Why? Wait, no, let me guess."  
"Okay,"  
"Hmm, okay, sooo I'm going either something to do with a kitten sanctuary oooor maybe something to do with fight club?"  
"Which one?" He smirked.  
"Uurrrrmmmm, fight club, yeah, the fight club set or something?"  
"Ding ding ding, we have a winner ladies and gentlemen."

"Seriously Josh?" Tyler laughed. "If you could go anywhere in the entire world, you'd go look at some old house?"  
"No no, don't be ridiculous." Josh shook his head. "They knocked the house down, I'd go and look at the ground where it once was, check out the road maybe."  
"You're weird."  
"Butch'ya love me."  
"Yes I do." The younger grinned, picking up Josh's hand and pecking it with his lips gently.

"Thank you for tonight, it was really beautiful."  
"Anything for my man." Josh smiled honestly, and it warmed Tyler's soul. He seemed so proud to call him his.  
"Hmmm, what's, what's that smell?" Tyler sniffed the air. "Seems like, hmm, is that Stilton I smell?"  
"Bully."  
"Hey you started it!"  
"You were being cheesy, I was being the king of romance."  
"Was, past tense? Well that means I'm gonna swoop in, sniper style, and steal the crown off your pretty little head, and I hereby declare myself king of romance."  
"I earned that crown, I planned a super secret picnic on top of the city, what did you do to deserve the honour?" Josh retorted jokingly.  
"How about this?" Tyler whispered, reaching across the gap and placing his hand on the back of Josh's neck then leaning across and against his lips. He knew neither of them were particularly fond of an aggressive kiss, but that didn't stop him pressing his tongue hard against his boyfriend's and fighting him for territory. It lasted as long as his breath before eventually coming to an end.

"Hmm, I mean if we're being true to science, you've gotta do something 3 times before-" Josh began saying but Tyler didn't need convincing and instead cut him off with another equally as passionate kiss. This time Josh's hand snaked round his shoulder but Tyler wasn't complaining.  
"Third time's a charm." Tyler said breathlessly and once again their lips collided for a third successive time.

"I think," Josh panted a little once they finally separated and untangled, par a held hand. "I think I might be in love with you Tyler."  
"Oh, well, that's lucky because I'm head over heels in love with you."  
"I mean I don't blame you." He smirked then laughed.

"The seats in the back fold down, do you maybe wanna?"  
"Tyler you know you're not allowed until your head wound is completely healed."  
"I know, but it basically is."  
"Basically and actually are different babe. Couple more days, that's all, couple more days." Josh reassured him, stroking his hand with his thumb. Tyler nodded defeated, then let out a stifled giggle. "What?"  
"Nothing,"  
"Come on, what?"  
"S'just, uh, just a thought." Tyler grinned embarrassed. "You could quite literally fuck my brains out."  
"Right okay! Thanks for that Tyler!" Josh raised both his eyebrows before laughing.  
"Hey you were the one who practically begged me to say it!" He complained but Josh just sighed and shook his head with a smile, then leant across and kissed him again.

"You're doing really well, doing great, you know that right?"  
"Mmm, if you say so babe." Tyler murmured, tone dropping a little.  
"Do you not agree?" He reached across and played with his hair carefully, avoiding the ugly scab that would soon become an ugly scar.  
"S'just, I mean, yeah, yeah most of the time I'm really good and I feel good and yeah, like now, I'm really happy. Then, well you know what happened this morning, I can be completely fine and then suddenly lose it all in a fraction of a second."  
"Yeah,"  
"It's a little voice in the back of my mind, a constant little reminder - yes you're happy but this could all be torn away from you at any moment and you'll forget how to breathe."  
"Sweetheart I promise that I'll always be there to remind you."

 

 

  
When he lived with his biological family, Josh used to cook dinner a lot. Every night. It wasn't necessarily a choice, wasn't him exploring his culinary desires, it was more him following his parental orders. Dinner had to be on the table for all 6 of them by 7, otherwise there would be repercussions. Usually that just meant Mother would flick some of the boiling water or oil or fat at him and he would hiss but walk away unscathed, occasionally it would mean he would be denied the chance to eat anything that night, then every now and then when the message wasn't getting through, he'd have a night in the basement.

Josh had never blinked twice, of course he should be supplying dinner, after all his parents had both been hard at work all day and they already did so much for him, it was normal for them to begin asking him aged 9 to prepare dinner every night. And of course they would get snippy if he was late because they were hungry and he was selfish for making them wait, he deserved the punishments.

However once he moved in with the Josephs and simply watched the whole dynamics of how dinner was really just an excuse to spend time together and talk about your day, he began doubting whether what he had been doing all these years had been right. That didn't stop him helping.

"How much did you and Ty eat on that picnic earlier? Are you still hungry?" Kelly asked as she started serving up the spaghetti Bolognese whilst Josh laid the table.  
"Urmm, we nibbled, we didn't really eat. I can't talk for Tyler but personally I'm still pretty hungry."  
"I'll assume the same for Ty then, he doesn't really like eating anywhere except his seat at the table, it was one of his things that he used to be really picky over before you came along and helped him out."  
"Well he did really well earlier then, ate a couple of those chocolate dipped strawberries I made."  
"Aw good for him." She smiled whilst ladling sauce onto the different bowls.

"Do you mind rounding everyone up once you've done that?"  
"Yep course." Josh nodded, setting down the last fork then walking out of the kitchen and across the hall to the living room where the rest of the family were watching an episode of Tom and Jerry.

"Hey, dinner's ready."  
"Alright thanks Josh, Maddy, TV off please," Chris said as he got out of his armchair with a small groan. Josh looked around the room and couldn't see his boyfriend, and felt a little flicker of concern ignite in his gut.  
"Joshie Joshie Joshie, who, w-who is your favourite?" Jay asked, excited grin on the 7 year old's face.  
"My favourite's Ben."  
"Ben! No Joshie, dat's ice cream!" He giggled and Josh smiled and ruffled his hair.  
"Where's Tyler?"  
"He went to get a hoodie from your room, cold." Zack explained as he stood up, then a look of realisation flashed across his face and added fuel to Josh's worry. "Quite a while ago."  
"Right I'm on it." Josh said, rushing out of the room and basically running up the stairs and towards their bedroom.

The door was shut.

He had to hold back the curse words that formed in his mouth and instead tried to stay calm for Tyler's sake.  
"Babe? It's Josh, I'm coming in, it's just me." He warned before turning the handle and pushing it open. He could see Tyler cowering in the corner but before he hurried to be with him, he throughly pushed the escaped wedge underneath the door.

"Sweetheart, Tyler, you're safe, it's okay, you're safe." Josh crouched next to him, not touching until he had permission. Tyler was bunched up in a tiny ball, pressing himself into the corner of walls and covering his eyes with the bases of his palms. Josh could hear his sobs and see his tears and feel his shaky breaths moving through the air, and his heart broke.

"You're okay, the door's open, there's nobody waiting for you on the oth-"  
"He was here again," he mouthed silently, erratic breaths providing just enough volume to the words for Josh to hear them.  
"I promise he wasn't babe, I promise you."  
"He was here he was here he was here he was here-"  
"Ty, Ty honey, shh, you're okay, he's gone now, shh, would you like a cuddle?" Josh had barely finished the question before the crying man practically threw himself at him, breaking down against his chest. Josh carefully positioned his arms around his torso, hugging him tightly but not too tightly.

"I've got you babe, I've got you."  
"He was gonna do it again." He squeaked tearfully and Josh pressed his lips to the top of his head. "The door shut, and, a-and, and he was waiting Josh, he was going to finish the j-o-ob."  
"Hey hey hey, listen to me Tyler, he's never coming back, you're never going to see him again, you're never going to be hurt again." Josh told him, trying to keep his voice steady and calm. "The front door is locked, the back door is locked, the only people in this house are your family and me, and we love you Tyler."  
"He was gonna hurt me again Josh, I didn't want him to hurt me again." Tyler sobbed.  
"He won't, I promise you that he will never hurt you Ty, I won't allow it."  
"I d-do-n't l-ike it J-josh,"  
"Babe you're safe." He hugged him close to his chest and rubbed circles into his back.

"Oh baby," Kelly walked into their bedroom and discovered the scene.  
"The door closed again." Josh explained briefly and she understood, kneeling down opposite where the pair were huddled on the floor.  
"Tyler listen to Momma baby, Bill hurt you and he is a horrible horrible man, but that means that Momma and Dad and Josh and all the little ones are going to do everything to protect you. He will not come in this house. He will not come near this house. He will not come near you."  
"We'll always protect you Ty," he ran his fingers through his boyfriend's short, recently shaved, hair.

"Don't let him win Tyler, don't let homophobia win, don't let hate win, don't let fear win. Bill, he tried to put a stop to this, to you, but you fought back every single day in that hospital and you made us all so proud. He tried to split you up using force, but you two have only grown closer and that shows the strength and the power of love over hate. He wants for you to be afraid, he wants for you to be scared and crying and hiding, but we don't do what homophobes want us to do in this household. We hold our heads high, we take a deep breath, and we be brave. Can you do that for me baby?"  
"Yeh," Tyler nodded tearfully, letting go of Josh's shirt with one hand and using it to wipe away the salty water away.

"The best thing you can do right now Tyler is stand up, brush yourself down, then join us for some spaghetti. I promise you baby, he can't get you. But having dinner? Having dinner with your family and your boyfriend is like sticking your middle finger up at Bill and at homophobes and saying no, you don't win this round. I win this round, I win, not you, me."

 

 

  
Despite living with the Josephs for almost 2 months, Josh still felt a little cautious, a little careful, a little like a guest. He never wanted to seem ungrateful or for anyone to think he was walking around like he owned the place, and in some ways that made him feel polite and respectful, however it did have its disadvantages at 1am when he was desperate for a drink. He'd spent about half an hour staring at the ceiling and being a fool, trying to convince himself that he could go until morning, but eventually he cracked and carefully carefully climbed it if the twin beds that had been pushed together without waking Ty, then crept across the hall and down the stairs.

He almost had a heart attack when he walked past the living room in the dark and heard a voice call his name questioningly, however he calmed down when he poked his head round the door and saw Kelly cuddled up on the sofa in her pyjamas with a glass of wine and a magazine. The TV was running in the background on mute and the room lit by a single lamp, casting yellow light on each wall.

"Hey angel, everything okay?" She set down her magazine and asked.  
"Yeah yeah, don't worry, he's sleeping now," Josh reassured her quietly.  
"I know he is, otherwise you wouldn't be down here. But I didn't mean with Ty, I meant with you. Come on, come here, come have a sit with Momma Joseph."  
"Okay," he smiled at her, then entered the room and softly padded across the carpet with his bare feet, climbing up onto the cream fabric with her. She held out her arm and he leant against her side whilst she hugged him tight, then rested her hand in his hair and played with it lovingly. At least he supposed this was how a mother lovingly played with hair, he didn't know what that was like.

"How are you Josh?"  
"I'm well thank you, yeah, I'm okay."  
"So we're not too awful then? You can just about put up with us?"  
"No no, you've been amazing, so generous and welcoming, thank you, I love being here."  
"It's a pleasure darling. Do you miss home at all?"  
"No," he told her truthfully.  
"It's okay if you do Josh, they're your family, yes they're homophobes, but they're still your family and it was still your home for your entire life and it's natural to miss it."  
"I think, uh, I think some distance has made me realise how toxic it all was, no, I don't miss it."  
"Yeah,"  
"It's weird not being right across the street from Debby, but otherwise nah,"  
"Well you know you can always invite her over whenever you like, she's more than welcome."  
"Thank you Kelly," Josh smiled.

"You're not a guest Josh, you're a member of this family now. If you want to invite people round, that's okay, if you want to go out, that's okay, if you want to do things on your own like go and lead your church groups again then that's okay."  
"Thank you, but uh, I uh, I don't think they'll take me back."  
"Your church?"  
"Yeah." He nodded, trying not to show how genuinely upset he was.  
"Oh darling, I'm sorry."  
"Mom and Dad, you know, they'll talk to people."  
"Do you feel safe Josh?"  
"Urm, I think, uh, I think they know where I am so if they were gonna come and get me then they would have by now."  
"Yeah,"  
"But if we run into them, I don't think they'd be above trying again to hurt Tyler or me."  
"Okay, well we'll make sure we stay away from that end of town, and if we're heading towards a place or a store or somewhere that you know they frequently go then speak up and we'll change our plans."  
"Thank you,"  
"Don't worry, we'll look after you." She kissed him on the top of the head.

"And how are things with Ty?"  
"Good, yeah, really good." Josh told her.  
"Yeah? Because you know, moving in with each other so soon, it's a big step. Especially considering the circumstances." The mother said softly. "When I first moved in with Tyler's dad, it was too soon and honestly it was hard. We only started dating towards the end of our last year at college and then we moved off campus, we got an apartment together because it seemed silly not to even though we'd only been dating 4 or 5 months. Even though I loved him, being around someone for every minute of every day can get tiring and you do find yourself getting sick of them and a bit snappy. Sometimes we need alone time, and Chris and I eventually worked that out and would sometimes go and stay with friends for a timeout, or little things like going to the movies by yourself. If you and Ty are going through any of that, it's okay if you want to head out of the house for a while."  
"Thank you, but honestly, we're going great, I'm anything but sick of him. If there were 25 hours in a day then I'd spend them all with him."  
"You really love him, don't you?"  
"I really do." He smiled.

"I know it's hard, seeing someone you love hurting."  
"Yeah, it uh, it sucks."  
"He's getting a lot better though I think, the panic attacks don't seem to be lasting as long."  
"Yeah I guess,"  
"You don't think so?" She asked curiously.  
"No they are, yeah, they are, it's just that he only really starts to calm down when you come and talk to him, I can't get him to myself and I dunno what to do. Feels like you know how to help and I don't."  
"Well I don't think there's any tips I can give you Josh, there's not specific words or ways to settle him, I think it's just experience."  
"Yeah,"  
"I mean he's always been particular about things, always been sensitive and quick to panic ever since he was small, so I'm used to his ways. I know that when I make him a sandwich I've got to only put butter on the left slice of bread and I've got to spread it from the square end up to the curved end, and I know that I have to leave him time to turn off all the switches in the house before we leave, and I know that he won't go to the mall near where his grandparents live because the layout of the parking lot makes him really really angry which turns to panicky. These sort of things, I mean I doubt Tyler could tell you all of them, they're little quirks that over the years you learn and adopt as your own routines without even realising."  
"Yeah,"

"He's been having these panic attack things for, pff, I dunno, years. I know these sort of PTSD type ones are a bit different but essentially he's scared and he's frightened and that's the same as these episodes he's been having since he was tiny. And since they started, he's got better at remembering to breathe and that sort of thing, and I've learnt not to do things like touch him or try to move him or to expect too much of him too soon. But you know what Josh? The way a mom deals with panic attacks is and should be different to how a boyfriend deals with panic attacks."  
"Yeah," Josh listened closely.

"He hugs you Josh. Whenever I walk in on him upset, he's in your arms."  
"He likes it that way."  
"Exactly, this is what I'm saying, he hates it when I try to hug him and he flinches away if I hold out my arms or something. It's different with you because the feelings he has are different with you, and he wants to be close to you." She explained quietly. "That's a big step for him, physical contact, a huge step in fact, so I don't want you to ever think that you're not helping him or you don't know how to reassure him or keep him calm, because you're the one who's responsible for that milestone."  
"Thank you,"  
"PTSD flashbacks, panic attacks, anxiety, whatever these episode things with doors are, it's new for all of us. Tyler doesn't know what's gonna make it better, he doesn't know, I don't know, and you don't know - but that's okay. Maybe I got lucky earlier and I said the right things, or maybe you had already calmed him down enough and I gave him that final push, or maybe Tyler worked through something in his own mind and got himself together on his own. No matter what the truth is, it doesn't mean that any of us are better at it than the others."  
"Yeah,"

"Feeling like you aren't helping him should be the least of your worries Josh. If you could see the difference in my son since meeting you that I can then you would understand why I'm so grateful you're here. He was miserable Josh, and now he's in love. That's amazing."  
"Yeah," he smiled to himself.  
"And the small things, the way he likes his clothes laid out a day in advance and the way he can't tie his laces himself on Tuesdays because they're 'bad' days, they're the things you'll pick up on now that you're together every hour of everyday. You don't need to worry that you don't know them all yet, in fact you don't need to worry at all Josh. Together you'll continue to figure it out, just like you have these past few months. You'll figure out your own relationship and your own coping methods as a unit and your own way of helping each other, and that's not something I can tell you the answer to. And you know what? Even if I did know the formula, I wouldn't tell you because this weird strange scary little journey you boys are going to go on as you learn about each other is really what love is. It's not being told how to fix things instantly, it's growing together and healing each other and making mistakes but picking up the pieces together, it's not about knowing the correct words that solve the problem, it's about being there for each other to work through the problem together. Does that make sense?"  
"Yeah, yeah it does, thank you Kelly."  
"Pleasure darling." She pecked him on the cheek again.

"Now, I doubt you came down here in search of a heart to heart,"  
"No not exactly." He laughed.  
"So I'm guessing you're after a drink, the real question is, are you a water guy or a milk guy? See, look at us, finding out the deep and meaningful things about one another."

 

 

  
Despite staying up late to discuss matters of the heart with Kelly, Josh woke early in the morning. It was the weekend so he was in no rush to go anywhere, which meant he was free to stare at his sleeping boyfriend for as long as he wanted. He wanted to watch for eternity.

They had twin beds, but they were together more often than not. Last night Tyler had pushed his across - well Josh had insisted on doing the heavy work since Ty was still recovering from surgery - to join Josh's on the wall with the window. It was almost always that way, but occasionally Tyler would need them the other way and that was okay too. Josh didn't quite understand exactly why his boyfriend had these little routines and rules to how he liked things to be done, but Josh was more than happy to facilitate them regardless.

Tyler always said that Josh was a cute napper, but Tyler had to be the most adorable sleeper he had ever seen. Perhaps he was a tad biased since he was lucky enough to he dating him, however it didn't change his beliefs. The little way his lips puckered slightly, the softness of his closed eyelids, the occasional semi silent snore that made Josh's lips curl upwards. He was adorable.

Every now and then Josh's eyes would flick up to the healing wound on the side of his partner's head and he'd feel a mix of both guilt and pride. He knew the injury was partially his fault, but he also knew that Tyler was ridiculously brave and strong and powerful and was making progress every single day. He'd completed his course of PT and been told he was fit to cope without it, at his 6 week post op assessment he'd passed with flying colours, and most importantly he was starting to feel like himself again. There were still times when it impacted him, principally with the flashbacks triggered by doors, but also he got tired a lot quicker and occasionally felt dizzy and lost his balance, however Josh was there with a hug on offer and a hand to hold 24 hours a day.

His thoughts were interrupted when Tyler started to stir a little, and instead he waited patiently with an involuntary smile at Tyler blinked a few times and properly woke.  
"Heeeyy babe,"  
"Eugh," he groaned as he rubbed his eye tiredly. "Morning,"  
"Morning,"  
"What time is it?"  
"Not too bad, 8.40ish."  
"Wrong, yes too bad, wake me up at midday." He mumbled with his eyes shut and pulled the blanket right up to his chin, and Josh laughed.  
"Aw but babe, if you sleep for longer then that's longer I've got to wait until my morning kiss." Josh complained softly.  
"You're a big brave boy, you'll cope."  
"Bully." He sulked, and Tyler smiled then opened his eyes and grinned cheekily at Josh. A second later he reached across and stroked his cheek, then leaned forwards and pecked him on the lips.

"I love you."  
"I love you." Josh echoed back, then kissed him again.

"Can I sleep on your chest?"  
"Babe last time you did that you said a pneumatic drill during an earthquake would move less."  
"Yeh but this is obviously just an excuse to get close to you." Tyler rolled his eyes then scooted across the gap between them and rested his head against Josh's bare skin and let his fingers wander over his ribs, dancing over each one then down to his stomach and back again. Made Josh smile, and not because it tickled.  
"You don't need an excuse babe, I'm all yours."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm craving some darkness but I don't want to be triggering, would people be interested in Josh's homelife with the Duns or not?


End file.
